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The Blackjack Table

"But the Euro-progressive freight train didn't stop there..."

This time shows Batista and Jericho about to walk away from each other. Tatu's "All the things you say" starts playing as they stop and loock back at each other, before turning around to slowly meet face to face again.

(the music stops for a second)
"OR there..."

(and Tatu starts again)

This time the eye-contact is between Batista in the ring, and HBK on the top of the ramp, almost looking like he's about to cry. The shot freezes as the music stops.

Parker just takes a huge swig, finishing his drink. (as he sets the glass down, it's replaced right away) The PiP cuts to a WWE diva doing the splits on the announce table, and Juvinile's "Back dat ass up" plays instead.
"THERE we go...THAT'S the good ol' WWE we all know and love!"

It changes to the same diva running up from behind and hopping piggback on Beth Phoenix.
"AND that!"

The next shot is Beth Phoenix, holding TWO women on one shoulder. Parker looks in the direction of the PiP and pauses for just a second, as the music stops again.



[At a casino, a ponytailed hustler in a black tux, with a turquoise-pieced bolo tie sits at a blackjack table in freeze frame, holding up some sort of 'on the rocks' drink, but since the footage is black and white, it's hard to tell just what it is. Backdropped by crackling static, a voice is heard saying "My job is to tell it like it is..."

Ice Cube's "Robbin Hood" starts up, as a slide-show of still shots shows the man getting a deuce on his next hit. Frame-by-frame he looks around, then taps the table for another card. Already showing a 7 and a 2, the next card comes up a 9. Taking a swig of his drink while looking dejected, he picks up his hole card, and turns it over, dropping a 3 of spades on the table, giving him 21. Right as the card hits the green felt, the main beat of the song kicks in.]

The gambler keeps a grip on his drink as he strolls through the crowded casino crowd, and the music quickly fades to about half volume.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, put the kids to bed. Welcome to the first edition of 'The Blackjack Table' I am your host (places his hand on his stomach and takes a slight bow, never dipping his drink and never taking his eyes off the camera) the one and only, "Blackjack" Dallas Parker. It's been an insightful week here in the wrestling world, and I'm not gonna waste your time because I wouldn't want you to waste mine..."

An evening-news style picture in picture appears to the upper right, showing a freeze frame of Spike Love, vein in his forehead bulging during the "weight-lifting" session.
"Wow...look at that thing! (referring to the vein in his head) I guess that's what happens when you mix cialis with creatine, it goes straight to your head! (he looks up, as if he's looking at the picture in picture) I guess the moment must be right... You know it's been a while since I've seen anyone with that much intensity at the hands of a machine..."

The PiP shot cuts to a still of Jeff Hardy, looking puzzled (about the worst frame he could've hoped for) at the soda machine.

Parker continues on, as the background shot winds up a long row of slot machines in use.
"Speaking of brain chemistry gone wrong..." (Yet another picture of a wrestler with a ridiculous look on his face, Mike Williams stands in his parking lot challenge to Marquise, looking like hammered shit) "I guess it's too bad that the name Kennedy was taken because this guy's bound to take a stolen mercades off a bridge... Now I might partake in a bit of the sauce now and then, (takes a sip of his drink), but that's a far cry from a liquid diet..."

The PiP shows Jeff Hardy at the soda machine again.
"This isn't 25 cent beer night at a roach-infested strip club Mike, and just because you "nickel and dime'd" Chris Legend, doesn't mean you can't afford a buck 59 for a gatorade to help sober up before a match..."

He turns a corner, and sets his now empty glass on the tray of a passing waittress, and quickly picks up a replacement.
"And speaking of a Williams obstacle, Mister Marquise, before he was so sloshingly interrupted... (pauses and looks just off camera) yeah, 'sloshingly' I just came up with that. Copywrite it! SPEAKING...of Marquise, our man has been on a roll lately. He's rolled from Shelly B, to Amy Roucka, to Lindsey Calloway. I can't WAIT until this all blows up, because ol' Dallas has a 3-way bra-and-panties match in his crystal ball...

(Right as he finishes his sentance, a nearby craps table full of UNLV frat boys erupts in celebration)

Don't worry my man, maybe you can come to terms with all 3, and manage to strike a deal to bring your buddy Nickgeb back into the fold. After all, besides Christian Cage, he is the last remaining men's title holder that doesn't belong to Beatdown Incorporated. And at the rate his motormouth is going, that title is about to vacate itself any day now...

But even if that DIDN'T happen, let's look at the facts, shall we? Bit by bit the Beatdowns have pac-manned everything in their path. They're more unified and have more momentum than any other 'so-called' stable in the EWL. They seem to be unstoppable, as long as they can distance themselves from any 'internal issues...'"

The overall camera shot changes to footage of Chris England and Shelly B alone in the locker room.

[Shelly laughs when he does she squirms and turns around she tackles him down pinning him, just playing around
Shelly: don't do that, you know how ticklish I am Chris

she smirks down at him feeling his chest a little ]

Cuts back to Parker, sitting at a bar stool, and in the blurry background an elvis impersonator is performing.
"I don't know what's in the water over in the UK, but some people think it's worth the price..."

(shows a quick PiP shot of Jeff Hardy at the drink machine again)
"...or maybe you prefer yours on the rocks..."

(shows a different PiP still, this time an old pre-EWL shot of Mike Williams, bashing a hotel ice machine with a headbutt)
"We'll give the 'family values' a breather, and when we come back, I've got the 'Martha Stewart' on where the EWL is headed... Don't cash out just yet!"

The commercial fades up to that dipshit with the nappy afro and square framed glasses (who probably spent 500$ to look like he only spent 20) standing in the middle of a street holding a stack of disney cartoon DVDs. His face is a hell of alot closer to the camera than we'd all prefer.
"Since 1947 the tobacco companies have spent trillions of dollars putting subliminal cigarette ads in..."

Before he can finish his sentance, a car horn honks right behind him. He jumps, and the camera falls to the pavement, showing the tires of a passing New York City taxi.
"GET DA FUCK OUTTA DA FUCKIN STREET YOU FUCKIN FUCK!!!" is heard as it fades back out

Back inside the casino, the camera is covering Parker from behind the bar, almost like it's a news desk. In the upper right, the Picture-in-Picture shows Billy Begal (A bad WWE knockoff of the EWL's William Regal)
"In other wrestling news, WWE's Raw last night gave yet again the class, and culture we come to expect. And what better way open up this masterpiece, then with a scholared englishman reminding us how the language should be spoken."

The still PiP shot turns into shot after shot, about 8 total, of Billy Begal saying "Triple H-ache"
"But the Euro-progressive freight train didn't stop there..."

This time shows Batista and Jericho about to walk away from each other, then looking back and turning around to slowly meet face to face again. Insert brokeback mountain joke here...
"OR there..."

This time the eye-contact is between Batista in the ring, and HBK on the top of the ramp, almost looking like he's about to cry. Parker just takes a huge swig, finishing his drink. (as he sets the glass down, it's replaced right away) The PiP cuts to a WWE diva doing the splits on the announce table.
"THERE we go...THAT'S the good ol' WWE we all know and love!"

It changes to the same diva running up from behind and hopping piggback on Beth Phoenix.
"AND that!"

The next shot is Beth Phoenix, holding TWO women on one shoulder. Parker looks in the direction of the PiP and pauses for just a second.
"Ah hell, I'll take that too! You guys at the WWE need to quit trying to reach 'across the aisles' for different viewers. Just stick to the classics: Babes Beer and BLOOD! It never has failed, and it never will fail!

Anyway, back to the EWL front, we have a few english folks of our own, and a litle bit of 'euro-progressiveness' (quickly mutters "copywrite that...") But we'll leave that subject alone for today, because what's that I see there in the picture? (The PiP is showing a normal shot of Chris England and Shelly B ) Do my eyes decieve me, or is that the United States Title? YES folks, the US title is around the waist of an englishman and nobody seems to care! We've got memorial day coming up, veterans day just passed, an a presidential election going on, and NOBODY seems bothered by this!

Sorry Chris, but I'm still a Red-White-and-Blue, Babes beer and blood kinda guy. But you earned it, and until someone can take it from ya gold is gold. Something that the Beatdown Express are no strangers to. Now they're eyeballing Nickgeb's TV title belt, as well as the Women's strap. And I got news for ya folks, they'll get em!

Then there's just one last title, the big one... (PiP changes to Christian) If anyone can FIND it! The world champ is nowhere to be found, and everyone's getting antsy. I just hope he doesn't go back to the goth face paint and show up one Inferno in the rafters with a baseball bat.

But have no fear, our EWL best are scouring the earth, searching high and low for the world champ..."

The PiP changes to a still of Ace Ventura crawling out of the fake rhino's ass.
"Ace Ventura, missing world champion detective... Hey folks you know what? I like this guy! You need a wacky critter like that running loose around the arena. Ya never know where he's gonna pop up, it's great, I love it!"

He turns on the barstool, and winds up facing a different camera as the shot changes, with a blurry showgirl stage show in the far background. He gets up and starts walking again, taking another sip of hardball. The Picture in Picture disappears with the camera change.
"We've got alot of new talent here, and if I had the time I'd get to the rest of em, but duty calls. So last, but not least, that brings us to the man sitting in the driver's seat, the Intercontinental Champ, Chad Vargas. Now I know Chris Legend is Mr. Money in the Bank, but whenever the hell we can find Cage, things are gonna get interesting. But Vargas is on fire..."

(stops at a booking window)
"Unless we can find some 6'4 diva to bash him in the head with a toaster, (starts to place a bet) My money is on Chad Vargas to swap that IC title for the world gold within a month..."

He takes one last sip, then turns toward the camera.
"This is "Blackjack" Dallas Parker, (points at the camera) and you can take that to the bank..."