(The EWL logo flashes on the screen Eye of the Tiger plays and a few highlights of some of the EWL classic matches flash across the screen - Jeff Hardy jumps off the top rope and lands across the body of Chad Vargas, Mike Williams nails the Hair of the Dog on Chris England, Chris Legend and Barbie Blank walk to the ring, The Green Bastard is being lowered into the ring, Danny Dodgeball holds up two gigantic Balls, CB4 runs down the street with Christmas Tree Kidds bag of toys and the final shot is of Chad Vargas holding the EWL title in the air, a man sits behind a desk wearing a baby blue EWL blazer - he looks a lot like an older version of Taz - in a cheesy 80's typeface it says "Bad" Billy Tabb)
Billy: Welcome fans to the inagural edition of EWL Livewire - we've got one hell of a program ahead of us tonight - we'll recap the week that has been in the EWL, we'll have a few words with the #1 contender for the EWL Intercontinental Title, and of course we'll have the EWL power ratings - who will be #1? Wait it out and we'll get to it before I get myself to the EWL Pay Winda.
(Billy shuffles a few cue cards)
Billy: This week's edition of Inferno saw a few interesting developments take place - we'll start off where we should - from the beginning - Spike Love, Cash Jeremy and Jeff Hardy in a fatal three way match - it was pretty interesting from the on set - it was all Spike Love from start to finish - apparantely Spike's getting hungry for some gold as he's the only member of the Flock to not make it to the promise land in that department as of yet - Spike cleanly pinned Cash Jeremy - who was the latest victim of the Love Gun. 1-2-3 and it was all over but the crying.
Billy: What night can be a bad one when the EWL Diva's are in action? We had Barbie Blank of course Barbie made a big splash in her debut with Boobiegate - but tonight she was teamed up with EWL Diva legend Lindsey Calloway vs. the new hot kid on the block Mickie James and EWL ladies champion Shelly-B, it was a helluva contest but the team of Boobiegate and Calloway came out on top - someone fire the man who put that in there - thank you..all apologies to Ms. Blank
(Billy smirks a little and shakes his head)
Billy: Again what kind of night can be a bad one when my man EWL Heavyweight champion Chad Vargas is in town - and as usual The Killer King Cobra had a lot to say, the following clip provided by EWL TV -
Vargas: It's so fuckin' hard to be me, you know that?! Everyone wants a piece of the Heavyweight champion of the world… And I've got to make sure I'm in damn good shape for Pain and Suffering when I put this bad boy on the line *slaps the world title.* against Chris England. I'm going to make sure none of you other lower tier punks like Cash Jeremy, Spike Love, and Kevin Bourne keep their distance, so I've done one better and hired me a god damn bodygaurd, since we all know Freddie can't do the job! Without any further ado, bring my hired gun out here…
Billy: That's right folks - Darly Oates - and no I'm not making any kind of a joke about this - that man is huge, is apparantely in charge of watching Chad's back - I gotta say I'd feel a lot safer having this man
(Shows a picture of Darly Oates) watching my back over this man (shows a picture of Phil Collins eating a hamburger).
Billy: Another one of my favourites Kevin Bourne showed up on what must have been the brokest ass version of a Pipers pit ripoff I've ever seen - but what this showed was the true character of those low life members of the Flock, Williams runs his mouth off for a few minutes about nothing, next thing we know CB4 and Spike Love are ringside and Kevin is getting Pearl Harboured - I can tell you one thing Mr. Bourne won't forget this come around Pain and Suffering in one of THE most anticipated matches of the year - of course I'm talking about the best of 3 falls featuring these two true blue superstars..order it today from your digital television provider - unless you're stealing your cable feed then too bad.
Billy: And finally we rolled around to the main event - that's right the Tag Team Champions Evolution - Troy Gafgen and Marquise facing off against those thieving bums from Locash - CB4, Bad Billy lost a Benjamin on this match as I had Marquise pegged to dominate this thing - especially after he was such a good samaritan in helping out his comrades fallen mother just nights before the event - Gusto showed little to no appreciation in this one as him and "Stab Master" Arson went on to win and recapture the EWL Tag team championships.
(Billy shakes his head)
Billy: Seriously what a shame..up next we have an interview with the number one contender for the EWL - The Green Bastard via Satellite Phone - thank you Bastard.
Bastard: Jesus Murphy pleasure's all mine (beep)sucker.
Billy: So Bastard are you stoked for your pay per view match?
Bastard: (beep)sucker, stoked isn't the word for it (beep)ing jacked is more like - I'm gonna leave that (beep)sucker as the champion.
Billy: Toughest competition so far for you Bastard?
Bastard: Chris Legend - though I still came out on top of that one.
Billy: We're running out of time here Bastard one last question for you before you go though..
Bastard: Shoot - beep beep beep (lost connection)
Billy: Well thanks anyway Green Bastard...ok here's the moment we've all been waiting for..
(Trumpet music plays and a crappy 80's logo flies up on the screen it says Top 10)
Billy: The inagural EWL power rankings!! like that fine piece of white ass Fergie said "Let's Get It Started"
#10 - Johnny Westfall - Westfall made his trimphant return recently and has started to set the EWL on fire - I love this kid and I can't wait to see more of him - and when we do see him we see a lot of him at one time - Quality, Quantity and Star Trek knowledge how long until this kid makes his way up the ranks? Probably the best thing to come out of Ohio since Wonderbread.
#9 - Danny Dodgeball - This kid has Balls, big balls and he hung them in the face of the EWL this week when he made his debut, for his case I hope this kid realizes he ain't on the Ocho anymore this is the big time and that someone doesn't catch his balls and throw them back at him hard enough to knock him down.
(Some laughter is heard of camerea and Billy looks at the camera)
Billy: What? Oh grow up...
#8 - Marquise: Even though he was on the receiving end of a beating at Inferno this California Dreamer has stock rising higher then Enron - but just like Enron Marquis could easily bottom out at any time - if anything I'd expect to see him and his Evolution brother Troy Gafgen making a run for those titles again or they're gonna end up in the ring together but on opposite corners - talk about blowing the roof off the place! Speaking of which this brings us to the #7 guy on our list..
#7: Darly Oates - when Vargas announced Darly "Don't call me Hall and" Oates as his special enforcer the EWL stopped on it's ear and paid close attention if the King Cobra thinks this guy's tough - he's gotta be indestructable!
#6: Mike Mustaine - The beer swilling heavy metal hippie straight offa Broadstreet seems to be lighting up the EWL match by match - the hardcore grudge match signed for Pain and Suffering should become an instant EWL classic with a fine worker like Mustaine involved...though Smekal is no slouch himself - I myself am looking forward to this one people!
#5: Troy Gafgen - EWL TV Champion, ladies man, all around great guy - though come Pay Per View time don't expect to see him carrying EWL gold anymore my shooting star pick Johny Westfall and him are going at it at Pain and Suffering.
#4: Cell Block Four- These two hooligans seem to have the in ring chemistry of classic teams such as Demolition, the Hart Foundation, the New Age Outlaws and Too Much - recapturing EWL gold definately didn't hurt them on the rankings this week.
#3: The Green Bastard: We had to put him on the list - he did our show...will he be Mr. Perfect come PPV time? One of the few undefeated EWL superstars is in a pretty good position to capture his first OFFICIAL EWL gold - of course I'm refering to the event where Chris Legend kicked his teeth down his throat and Spike Love gave him the victory, no good Flock guys.
#2: Chad Vargas: I'm as shocked as you are that Chad's sitting in the #2 spot on the list this week - the EWL champion has succesfully defended his title - shocked the world by bringing back the Hollywood Fashion Plate "Classy" Freddie Blassy, left an open challenge to the EWL roster and people ran from the challenge faster then Rats jumping off the Titanic - the toughest and arguably most talented member on the roster Chad will beat you 101 ways and still find number 102 - always one step ahead and three steps back..
Billy: If Vargas is #2 who could be #1?? We'll find out as soon as we have a word from our sponsors..
(Eye of the Tiger plays as the scene fades to commercial - it's two Milfy type women sitting by a Blender in a kitchen)
(Two women sit at a table in a kitchen - a cigarette burns in the ashtray she talks to her other Milfy type friend over a cup of coffee)
Milf 1: So yesterday Billy came home from school 2 hours late I asked him where he was he said he was throwin' leg and checkin out some laffy taffy at Christinas.
Milf 2: I know the other day Kara came home and told me that her ice was wack - I was wondering what she meant because we live in Tampa Bay after all?
(A Voiceover kicks in)
Voiceover: You ever wish you could understand the Urban slang of today's youth?
Milf 1 & 2 in unison: Yes!
Voiceover: Well yo prayers is answered wit CB4's Urban Dictionary...
(In walk Gusto and Arson - still wearing their Gangsta garb but with black horn rimmed glasses on)
Gusto: yo yo yo yo! we is in the hizzzzzzzzzzzouse - (opens the book and looks at the milfs) that mean's we're in the house ladies..
Voiceover: G'yeah wit da help of the CB4 Urban Dictionary yo kids ain't neva fuckin witchu again..
Arson: So lady - you said ya boy was throwin leg and lookin at some laffy taffy - junior wasn't playin no mafuckin horseshoes and eatin Candy Mom
(Flips open the book)
Mom: Throwin' Leg - the act of intercourse with a member of the female variety..why that little..
Gusto: Yo! look up laffy taffy yo!!
Mom: Noun - This is a slang term for the female genitalia-- more specifically, the labia minora-- so termed for it's resemblance to stretched (pink) laffy taffy. Therefore, the term may also carry with it connotation of excessive sexual intercourse which can result in a stretched or elongated labia minora.
MY GOOD GOD! (slams the book shut) his ass is grounded until he's 30 now!
Arson: G'yeah bust him down Mom!!
Milf 2: Oh no I hope my Kara isn't showing her Laffy Taffy off to anyone..
(Arson looks at a picture on the wall of a girl with headgear on her face)
Arson: This yo daughter mom?
Milf 2: Yes..
Arson: Gots nothin' to worry 'bout..now Ice is like bling - and by bling I mean jewlery and wack means bad yo..
Milf 2: Well that's ok now that we have that here - can you explain to me what she meant by for her birthday her boyfriend gave her a Cincinatti Bow Tie..
Gusto: Yo I don't think we can really say it on here (leans near the woman and whispers in her ear, her mouth drops and she just belts out)
Milf 2: When you reverse titty-fuck a girl. So your balls and cock are upside-down and it looks like she is wearing a fleshy bow-tie.
Arson: That's right it's called that cuz they do everything backwards in Cincinatti..
Gusto: G'yeah a good example of the use of that action word is - My bitch was complaining all night because I kept ramming my anus into her nose, but dang, I was really in the mood for a cinicinnati bowtie
Milf 2: You disgust me..
Gusto: Yo I didn't make it up I just sprechen the language Dawg!
Voiceover: So don't let y'all lil' bastards pull shit on ya no mo - get yo ass out to Target and buy this book today G'YEAH!!!!)
(The show returns with Billy sitting at the desk)
Billy: I've worn a bowtie in Cincinatti before..and well - #1 on the list is....
(A big #1 logo fly's up on the screen)
#1: Dwayne Blair - it's his federation after all - and in the last little while Dwayne Blair has been one of the biggest players in the game - having the pain in the neck members of the Flock barred from the building at the last pay-per-view, signing some giant matches this month - and demonstrating his ability to bring in future power players like Danny Dodgeball, Mike Mustaine, Shannon Moore, Sunny Day, widening the Diva division with Mickie James, Barbie Blank - talent such as Kevin Bourne, and keeping everyone's ego's in check..we all owe Dwayne Blair a BIG thank you..
And on that note - that wraps up this weeks edition of EWL Livewire - I'm your host "Big" Billy Tabb - see ya next week at the Pay Winda!